DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize