I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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