is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
