how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
