Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize