my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
