my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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