i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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