dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
