Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
