My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My dick has a subreddit
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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