Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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