you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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