People with herpes should wear stickers.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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