fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
