Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
