listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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