drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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