this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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