where am i from again
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
