nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Holy sore nipples Batman
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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