yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
