If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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