Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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