she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize