Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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