When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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