my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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