Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
