apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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