First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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