My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
