Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
