Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
