You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
