All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
