I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
