Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
