You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
