You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
