So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
