So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
