My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
