he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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