I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
