I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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