your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
