Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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