i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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