His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
