Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
