the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
