Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The best revenge is premature balding
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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