wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
