I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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