This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
