I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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