Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
