You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
