I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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