Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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