Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
