I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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