saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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