At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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