And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
