I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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