walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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