You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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