the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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